glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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