also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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