I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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