Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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