i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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