there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need a beard to bite.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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