You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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