you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i believe in u and ur pee
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
