ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
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I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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