By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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