and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
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That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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