Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
