No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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