I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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