mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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