why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
