omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Someone signed my nipple.
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