and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
