And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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