Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
