I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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