Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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