Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
