I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
