Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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