I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it