She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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