did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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