I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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