sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My penis needs a shock collar
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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