I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
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is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
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Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize