Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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