well I can't set my house on fire every night
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
