I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
