dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
