Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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