I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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