If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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