just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
