Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
