I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
