You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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