just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
and you fell through a lawn chair
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
