Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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