how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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