So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
