come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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