U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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