i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
