i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
