I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it's like iHOP with fire
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
