So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
