Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
