I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
