she woke up with a sticky ear
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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