i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
